3-26-10

Today I wondered what it would be like to have a close family bond. Don't get me wrong I do care for my family and would bend over backwards for them but we aren't a close family like some I see.

we use to be a close family but when granny and my aunt passed away it seems like that whole structure passed away with them. Some of us moved away, some of us turned to drugs or illegal activities and spent time in jail and some of us stuck around but just didn't care anymore.

I tried to stay in touch with everyone but that seemed to piss other people off because in my family, if there isn't a argument between someone they aren't happy. As I got older I started to not care if it pissed them off but then that just put me in the middle. what if we all just got along and had the family functions like other families would we have been happier? would I be better at getting along with my co workers? would I be better at dealing with stress? I'm not sure but I do know I would not have learned the lesson's I have thus far if it wasn't for my family.

we all can't have the perfect family. we all can't be that "perfect" person. we just need to live the life we were dealt and do the best with it we can. I can say that I have learned a lot from my family and I'm honored to have had the parents I had. They weren't perfect parents. They did the best they could do at that time, and that's all anyone can ask of anyone.

3/21/10

So just a quick note...
finished up the wilderness first aid class today and we all did really good. It was a good class with a lot of good information that will help on searches and when we are not in the field as well. I highly recommend this class for anyone that likes being outdoors.

Now to relax the rest of the day, Monday comes too soon.

3/20/10

So if you haven't noticed, I'm now dating my post.
Dave and I got up early on a Saturday to go to a class for search and rescue. it went okay I guess, it's not anything I don't already know basically. I have learned a few things though. One more day then I'm certified in wilderness first aid.

I've been thinking a lot about conversations. I know this is not something people normally think about but hear me out........
I'm finding it more and more difficult to find things to talk about with people. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm becoming a hermit or the people around me don't challenge me enough to make me think. what do you think? I know that it's sometimes nice to just sit by someone and enjoy the quietness, but when it's all the time there has to be something wrong right? Is it just me?

I'm not looking for something wrong to fix, I'm just looking for more stimuli I guess...

Oh My God! David just farted and now I can't breathe THANKS HUBBY!! =0(

anyway, I'm just so damn bored with everything that I'm not interested in any of the fun stuff I use to do. The Dr. said that the medication can affect me like that a while back and I guess with all the shit going on I'm just down.

any suggestions on how to get out of the "funk"?

March 18, 2010

So I haven't written in a long time so there is a lot of things that have changed.
I'm now living in Mt Vernon, Ohio, which I believe I was living here when I last posted. I'm still dealing with the fibro and have come to the conclusion that this is something I am just gonna have to live with. Dave and I were making it, be it barely, and now as of yesterday he has lost his job. He will continue to work until June 1, 2010 and by then we will probably be moving, yep that's right we have lost the house we were trying to buy. I know this is the best move for us financially.

My mother and father both passed away in the last 2 years, mom was just last october. I'm still having some issues with dealing with it, but I'm making it work. I think I am doing okay but I can see area's in my life that it's affecting.
I do not like any of the people at work, they just annoy me! They like to think that they are all that and a basket of peas but they are not.
Oh sure some of them are ok, but I have never been one to set by and be politically correct, I speak my mind and to hell with anyone that doenst like it!

The Dr. increased some of my meds so hopefully that will help some with the pain and hopefully that will help my attitude as well. I get really tired of always being in a bad mood, I'd love to laugh and live like everyone else but it seems like there is someone on the inside keeping that just out of reach. they give it to me in little doses like medicine, just enough to keep me sain. - the kicker is I'm not sure it's keeping me sain anymore.......

Pain.

Pain.

Such a simple word but so very hard to deal with, understand, and treat. I know everyone has some kind of pain in their life. When you deal with it on a daily basis all you can do with it is deal.

I live with fibromyalgia. It is my constant companion, my friend and foe, the one thing I can say will always be there. For those of you that do not know what it is let me explain it a little. It is wide spread pain that cause's your muscles to contract and hurt 24/7. There is no cure, only pain management. They do not know what causes it either.

I have heard of several non-medical treatments such as hypnosis and acupuncture but I'm not sure if I really believe those 2 treatments work. would you want to see a shrink for your pain and let them tell you it's all in your head like so many other MD's have done in the past? or would you like to have someone poke you with needles over and over again causing you more pain when your already in pain? I for one would not. People have said "the needles are so small you don't really feel them" well I would because some times just the slightest touch hurts me, and I mean... A LOT!

So what is there to do? Since I was diagnosed 3 years ago this Feb. I have been on more medication than I would like to be on and the only thing that seems to help is the narcotics which I do not want to be on the rest of my life, because after a while even those don't work and the Dr. has to up the dose over and over again. So I pose the question again..... What is there to do?

So many people in my life have said "everyone lives with pain, honestly how bad can it be?"..... "your just a hypochondriac"..... "your just depressed"...."lose some weight and you'll feel better"....."just deal with it everyone else does, aren't you strong enough to?". Well now, If all of the above statements are true then I'm just a mental case then aren't I? I think not!

This is a REAL disease and the definition of a disease is this: a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms
I have been told like all the others before me that is not a disease it is a disorder. Well the definition of a disorder is this:

1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of

now when you look up fibromyaglia in the medical dictonary it says this: any of a group of rheumatic disorders affecting soft tissues and characterized by pain, tenderness, and stiffness of muscles and associated connective tissue structures

How can something that disturbs the regular or normal function of a person that can't be cured just be a disorder? I honestly believe that it is a disease because EVERYONE I know with this "disorder" is getting worse the older they get, their quality of life is not what it should be and once they go on pain medication they never come off of it.

I do not want to be this way and I do not want to live the rest of my life in pain. I would gladly take part in ANY trail study that is out there to "cure" is "disorder" but there isn't any in my area or any that I can get to with out losing everything I have worked so hard for.

I say to all of you.... If there is anyone in your life that is in constant pain or dealing with any kind of struggle.. PLEASE do not try to "soften" the situation by saying any of the above phrase's. Just be there for the person in anyway that you can and if you find that you can't be there for the person then stand up, be an adult and just talk to them about it all instead of treating them badly, it only makes things worse when you think you have someone that truly cares for you and understands some of what your going through one minute and the next you don't. So if you don't understand,... ask. If you still don't understand or if your interested in understanding then do research on the subject. DO NOT just "drop off the face of the earth" to that person, we all are still human and have feelings too.

XOXO
MEL.

I'm Done!!

I'm done!
I'm done with all the bull shit that goes along with having friends.
I'm done with all the bull shit that goes along with co-workers.
I'm done with all the bull shit that goes along with the "so-called" christians that say they are god fearing people that live by the bible and still treat others like shit!!

Well I say to all of you,..... GO TO HELL!!!
I have never in my life met so many people that were such lying, backstabbing, biggots!

So I'm done with the lot of you!
that is my rant for today.
enjoy!

Snippets of My Life....#2

I remember that in the summer's we were allowed to run free, so to speak, and since we lived in the country we had acre's of land to roam and play on. We had a friend named Anthony that we affectionately called "ant". He was a little older than I was and I just loved him like another brother. He would teach us how to work on cars; also, along with my brothers he taught me how to fish. I use to love walking through the pasture either after school, on weekends, and in the summer looking for frogs, worms, or crickets to fish with then going down to the pond to sit and fish the rest of the day.