Saturday, July 24, 2010

7/24/10 - Missing a dear friend

I'm missing a dear friend Debbie LaRue. she passed away yesterday 7/23/10 at 5:50pm. She leaves behind a 10 month old son and a wonderful husband.
She was a great friend and will be missed dearly. I'm praying for her friends and family. we all are going to need all the support we can get at this time.
I sometimes wonder if more could have been done or if she could have fought more to live but I know she was in sever pain and discomfort. she only knew she had the cancer since around feb. 2010. it was in stage 4 already and the doctors didnt have much hope. it was very aggressive.

she will always be in my heart.

I love you debbie!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Hello all.....

so another day is upon us and it's father's day, I hope everyone has a safe and fun day with their families.

I have been down again, I fell at work on Tuesday, dislocated my knee and sprained my ankle again. I have been through this before and it still hurts like hell.
I'm planning on going out to the in-laws today to enjoy this holiday with them, but again it's going to be a somber one as I'm missing my dad. The holidays I think are the worse for me, I use to call my parents at least once a week, sometimes less due to work and life in general. I know I didn't talk to them as much as I would have liked to or as much as some of you do, but I miss them non the less.
Losing a parent, sibling, or extended family member is always so tough to deal with. I just hope that on this holiday you take time to remember and honor those that you have lost or just lost contact with.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mother's Day Hell.... 5-8-10

Hello all..... well I'm officially in a foul mood with mother's day right around the corner... I'm missing my mom a LOT!!! I've had a really hard time with this holiday since 1999 and it just gets harder every year. maybe one of these years I can have some good luck around this holiday....

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

4/20/10 - Trying to make it the best day possible....

So everyday I start off the day thinking about my kids, my best friend who's also my husband, and how I can make this day the best it can be. I seldom reach that goal but I do try. So many of our family, neighbors and friends have a hard time seeing the beauty in each day due to the stress and problems in their lives. I often also wonder how I can personally help each and everyone of them, I soon realized it was not possible, but I still try.

I have one friend that has recently gotten some really bad news medically and I'm not sure how to help. I know I need to be there as a friend for her but I don't know what to say to her, she doesn't want to talk about the problems she is having, she wants a distraction from it and I totally understand that. I have tried multiple times to reach her and get her out of the house to try to help her over this hurdle but she doesn't answer the phone and she just blows me off. I'm at the end of the rope here, I'll be there if she needs me but maybe she just needs time to figure things out on her own even though that's not what she is saying.

I look at my life and I see that I have a wonderful but not perfect life. I have many medical problems, I have arguments with my husband and I didn't raise my children like I wish I had been able to do. I am in such a better place than I use to be in. I was married to a man that wasn't a man at all, he drank, cheated, and didn't work much. I went through a horrible time losing my children, but then I met the most wonderful person in the world, my glorious husband David! He helped show me that even though I am having a rough time there is life after it all and I can change who I am and be who I want to be. I "dumped" all the people I was friends with, moved in with David, and started over with no family and no friends to help me but him. After about 1 year after meeting him I began to understand that I am a strong woman and I can handle what ever is thrown at me. I may not like it, may not handle it as well as someone else but I will handle it none the less. Anyone that can live through what I have been through can live through anything. If I can do it so can you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we all have problems, stress, and illness in our lives we still have to try to make the day the best it can be, to stop trying is not an option!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So yesterday was David and my 8th anniversary. it went really well I think. after work Dave took me to dinner and we had a lot of well wishes from family and friends.
I'm back at work today and I'm training again, so no sales yet today. it's not so bad at least I don't have to deal with customer's today except for a couple of hours. I'm actually lovein' it.
Dave's working late today so I'll be on my own tonight until 2am. I really hate Wednesdays.
I've been having a lot of pain lately...... Like yesterday my left hip was killing me! =( I took med's for it and it didn't help. I'm not sure if it's just a flare up or if it's something else. that's what sucks with this disorder, you never really know unless you go to the Dr. and then the Dr. is looking at you like your a crazy person! well.... LOL =0) anyway, I just dealt with it and it eased off about 4am this morning, it's still sore but manageable.

well, back to work for me........... have a good day, make it great!


Monday, March 29, 2010

3-29-10 another day, another dollar........

Another day, another dollar but I'm almost done. I'm tired of this pain and suffering with the Fibromyalgia, I had to leave work early again today due to feeling like crap. My energy level is just through the floor. All I want to do is sleep but I know I can't. I'm looking for any salvation I can find.
I'm looking into yoga as a means to manage the pain and stiffness. The Dr told me that there's not anything else he can do, I just need to learn to live with it and manage the pain. He increased one of my medications to see if that will help but so far it hasn't.

Even through dealing with Dave's company downsizing his position and my health issues now I have to worry about losing my job due to the health issues. it's more stress on me that I don't need! I'm just fed up with the bull shit! I wish there was something I can do to correct this issue so I wouldn't have to take time off work. I've offered to work extra time to make up the hours and they are always needing help on the weekends but they don't want people to have OT. I wish they would make up their minds: either they want help or not.
I've changed my hours to what times I can work since we only have one car now, but I've offered to work weekends when I can.
I've got a team leader that has WAY to much stress on her right now with her dad having Alzheimer's and trying to keep everyone happy. then we find out that one of our mutual friends has stage 4 liver cancer and she has a 5 month old baby boy!.....
I've got another friend that is having heart issues and not sure whats going on with that, and yet another friend that just found out her husband (with whom she is seperated from) has a 8 month old baby by another woman. There is just too much to take care of. Every one has told me several times that I cant take care of everyone all the time but it's my nature to do that! I want to help everyone I just don't know how....
I guess I just need to take care of myself first and the other stuff if I can and let the rest to take care of it's self.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


Today I wondered what it would be like to have a close family bond. Don't get me wrong I do care for my family and would bend over backwards for them but we aren't a close family like some I see.

we use to be a close family but when granny and my aunt passed away it seems like that whole structure passed away with them. Some of us moved away, some of us turned to drugs or illegal activities and spent time in jail and some of us stuck around but just didn't care anymore.

I tried to stay in touch with everyone but that seemed to piss other people off because in my family, if there isn't a argument between someone they aren't happy. As I got older I started to not care if it pissed them off but then that just put me in the middle. what if we all just got along and had the family functions like other families would we have been happier? would I be better at getting along with my co workers? would I be better at dealing with stress? I'm not sure but I do know I would not have learned the lesson's I have thus far if it wasn't for my family.

we all can't have the perfect family. we all can't be that "perfect" person. we just need to live the life we were dealt and do the best with it we can. I can say that I have learned a lot from my family and I'm honored to have had the parents I had. They weren't perfect parents. They did the best they could do at that time, and that's all anyone can ask of anyone.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


So just a quick note...
finished up the wilderness first aid class today and we all did really good. It was a good class with a lot of good information that will help on searches and when we are not in the field as well. I highly recommend this class for anyone that likes being outdoors.

Now to relax the rest of the day, Monday comes too soon.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


So if you haven't noticed, I'm now dating my post.
Dave and I got up early on a Saturday to go to a class for search and rescue. it went okay I guess, it's not anything I don't already know basically. I have learned a few things though. One more day then I'm certified in wilderness first aid.

I've been thinking a lot about conversations. I know this is not something people normally think about but hear me out........
I'm finding it more and more difficult to find things to talk about with people. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm becoming a hermit or the people around me don't challenge me enough to make me think. what do you think? I know that it's sometimes nice to just sit by someone and enjoy the quietness, but when it's all the time there has to be something wrong right? Is it just me?

I'm not looking for something wrong to fix, I'm just looking for more stimuli I guess...

Oh My God! David just farted and now I can't breathe THANKS HUBBY!! =0(

anyway, I'm just so damn bored with everything that I'm not interested in any of the fun stuff I use to do. The Dr. said that the medication can affect me like that a while back and I guess with all the shit going on I'm just down.

any suggestions on how to get out of the "funk"?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

March 18, 2010

So I haven't written in a long time so there is a lot of things that have changed.
I'm now living in Mt Vernon, Ohio, which I believe I was living here when I last posted. I'm still dealing with the fibro and have come to the conclusion that this is something I am just gonna have to live with. Dave and I were making it, be it barely, and now as of yesterday he has lost his job. He will continue to work until June 1, 2010 and by then we will probably be moving, yep that's right we have lost the house we were trying to buy. I know this is the best move for us financially.

My mother and father both passed away in the last 2 years, mom was just last october. I'm still having some issues with dealing with it, but I'm making it work. I think I am doing okay but I can see area's in my life that it's affecting.
I do not like any of the people at work, they just annoy me! They like to think that they are all that and a basket of peas but they are not.
Oh sure some of them are ok, but I have never been one to set by and be politically correct, I speak my mind and to hell with anyone that doenst like it!

The Dr. increased some of my meds so hopefully that will help some with the pain and hopefully that will help my attitude as well. I get really tired of always being in a bad mood, I'd love to laugh and live like everyone else but it seems like there is someone on the inside keeping that just out of reach. they give it to me in little doses like medicine, just enough to keep me sain. - the kicker is I'm not sure it's keeping me sain anymore.......